When I started seminary, I thought of how I spent my college years. Really, I didn't have any frame of reference of what graduate school was going to be like, especially considering the expedited manner in which I chose to head back to school, applied, was accepted, and moved in (all that happened in about a month an a half, with much of it happening in the last week) before starting school again. So all I could count on was a recollection of my four years at Doane, what I did while I was there, and how I spent my time.
My first resolution was to be better in my classes. I didn't apply myself in college as much as I could have, and my grades reflected it. I wanted to be better in seminary, and as I finally thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life, it might be easier (or at least make more sense) to apply myself. With that came more of a time commitment to my classes and homework, and less time commitment to fun stuff.
The first two semesters of the process were hard. I mean it was adjusting to being back in school full time after a six year absence, and settling in to a new place, and meeting new people, and learning new things. And then time for my relationship, which was somewhat long-distance-like for the first month or two. And then time for myself. As part of the process of all these changes, I wanted to keep track of myself, and so I started this blog. For a while, it was good. I was keeping up with my classes well enough and taking care of what I needed to take care of, and keeping up with writing here. I felt like I could handle what I was doing, but I also felt like adding more would lead to overload.
Then second year started. And all that I thought I couldn't be busier led me to see how much free time I had in my first year. Classes, still, but now harder, and add internship hours, and home church responsibilities, and denominational requirements, and what I could be involved with at school. Then second semester started, and I added more responsibilities for myself without taking others away. Essentially, combined with my somewhat lengthy process of studying or writing, it leaves little time for the things I really enjoy. So the blog went to the side for a bit, explaining my lack of posts for a while.
But then there are things that need to be said, things that need to be done. I've been distracted over the last week by a number of different things coming together at once, all in the middle of Holy Week. I spoke about new beginnings during the Easter Sunrise Service because that is what was weighing on my mind so much. In the midst of the end of Jesus' life, the end of The End, I thought only of new life.
That's because in the middle of last week, we learned that Kelse is pregnant.
Just as the three women at the tomb were terrified and amazed into silence after knowing the Resurrection, I was terrified and amazed of this new chapter of our lives, and didn't want to speak of it. Are we sure the tests are right? What do we need to do? What do we need to plan for? Who do we tell? Who do we ask for help? When is everything happening? How do we need to change what we eat, or how we sleep, or what we buy? Sure, plenty of experts exist on the subject, including in my family, but every pregnancy is different, as every child and every family is different.
From the start, I didn't want to talk to people about it. I didn't want to talk to people about even the idea that we might have something like that happen in the future, or that we might be trying. I think part of that is the fear of something going wrong, and then having to relive that pain every time someone asks about it. And I think part of it is that very superstitious part of me (multiple baseball reference alert!): as soon as you start talking about the no-hitter, it disappears. As soon as you start talking about the hitting streak, it goes away. As soon as you acknowledge that which is good, it leaves you. I didn't want to talk about it and then not have anything happen, and then have to keep talking about it. You can't talk your way out of a slump, but you can make it worse.
But here we are now, new life growing. I have no idea what to expect of the future. At least when I started school again, I had a frame of reference from college to fall back on. This is some whole other universe. There are still so many questions, and I don't know what to do. But I suppose I am not unique in that feeling in a situation like this. What parent knows all the right answers from the get go? So each day is a new day, each step is a new step, and each moment is something new to learn. We've had one appointment at the doctor, and another coming up on Friday, and then more will come after that. We'll most assuredly get help along the way, and people will recommend things, and we'll make our own decisions on what to do. And we'll be busy. After all, the classes don't stop. The work responsibilities don't stop. The bills don't stop coming in. The need to care for each other and care for ourselves never stops.
And I guess that's the super long story on why my blog posts might be sporadic for a while still.
