Mixed Up

It's amazing how some days can be filled with gratitude for abundance and at the same time with distress for lack.

Today is one of those days.  I am sitting in a place of abundance from opportunities for field ed next year.  I am amazed at the possibilities, and grateful for the choice I have to make, though I am close to certain what choice I will make.  I feel like I'm moving forward in seminary quite well, and I feel better about my future than I have in quite a while.

On the other hand, Kelse lost one of her jobs today, one that was giving her more hours than the other.  We have money to last us a little while, but not into the summer.  So she resumes her job search, again.

Back when we had our conversations about me leaving work to come to seminary, we talked about a lot of things.  I let her know me feelings about my job, and how it was affecting me, my health, my life, and my relationships.  We talked about ideas for the future, about what it might mean for us to do this, and what sacrifices we would have to make.  When I made the decision to leave Walmart for my own mental health, I did it through consulting her first.

In the end, we decided that this was the right thing for me to do.  As she was only a few classes into her educational opportunities, we decided to put her education on hold as I dove into mine full time, in order to be done as quickly as possible so she could start hers again.  We decided that she would become the breadwinner of the family, also to help me focus on what I was doing in school.

So far, we have worked things out.  But I am constantly in a struggle with myself over taking a job somewhere to help out.  On the one hand, we need money to pay bills, and if there's not enough money, then we have a big problem.  On the other hand, at some times I'm having quite a difficulty juggling classes, meetings, church, and homework.  Homework is especially hard for me sometimes because I can't sit and do a lot of work at once like I used to: I lose focus after a while, or I lose my ability to comprehend what I'm doing, or I lose my ability to think in coherent sentences when writing.  So I am intentional about breaking up my homework with other non-work related activities in order get the most out of what I'm trying to accomplish.

Some weeks, I feel like I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want (like this week), and some weeks I feel like I haven't got a free moment to spare (like last week).

I think about this often, and I would say it's the biggest source of stress in my life currently.  Shouldn't I be doing more to make this work out?  But then there are days that Kelse reminds me what our decision was, and that we both play a roll in this.  I am not the person responsible for the majority of the income and paying the bills like I was a year ago.  In this time, in this place, my role is that of student.  Of course, if I can find some things on the side that pay money every now and then (as I have been occasionally) that don't run into my schedule, then I'll take it to help out.  I have also begun my search in earnest for a job for the summer.  Next school year, I'll have a stipend from my field ed, and that will help too.  I've also decided to at least give it a try next year for some work study, and if I can tell it isn't going to work out, then it won't work out and I'll stop.

In the meantime, I'll do what I can.  Incidentally, if anyone needs help moving, at the end of the semester or otherwise, I have lots of experience, and I'm willing to work for what I would say is a pretty good deal.  Let me know!