This beginning of this story is written elsewhere on this blog, but here's the quick summary: just over eleven years ago, I sat in my government class as a senior in high school fighting back tears as I explained why I was so upset a ban of gay marriage had passed in California. It was such a moment of despair for me, and I felt so alone in that classroom, as if every one of my classmates were against me.
I have to remind myself constantly these days that laws like this were passed even though same-sex marriage was already unavailable. Maryland passed the first law banning same-sex marriage in 1973, but by 1990, 40 of the 50 states had a law against it. And, of course, in 1996, President Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act outlawing federal recognition of same-sex marriage. Then Hawaii courts declared a law prohibiting same-sex marriage to be unconstitutional according to the state constitution. The reaction came quickly in Hawaii and then spread around the country: amend the state constitution to get around the possible unconstitutionality of these laws. Amendments like these have spread like wildfire, a wave sweeping the nation. Every time a measure like this had come for a vote in front of the people, it has passed.
In 2000, there was no state in which same-sex marriage was legal. In only Vermont was there even a place in which the same rights as marriage were given same-sex couples through the invention of civil unions.
And yet, there was hope. Well, at least to me, there was hope. While other nations were starting to make headway towards legalized same-sex marriage, Vermont was really that clue for me, that kernel of hope that something could come along. To borrow from my friend, Howie, that was the whisper that started the wave.
In 2004, the city of San Francisco started issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Other cities followed suit, and though those marriages were all eventually nullified, the voices were growing. Just a few months later, Massachusetts became the first state to legalize same-sex marriage.
With last weeks amazing effort by the government of New York, there are now six states in which same-sex marriage is legal. Another eight states allow rights equal to marriage to same-sex couples. Do the math, that's thirty six states in which same-sex marriage is not legal. With the passing of Proposition 8 in 2008, California is one of those states in which marriage is not legal (though it was for a time) even though civil unions with equal rights exist. I had friends that day that found the despair I had felt in my classroom so many years ago, and couldn't see how the future contained a place in which same-sex marriage existed.
Some might look at 36 states in which there are no equal rights, or question why eight states can't bring themselves to call a horse a horse and jump to legalized same-sex marriage. But I realized so many years ago, after my experience in high school and again in college as a freshman in Nebraska, that there are outcomes that come against you. There are people who want to keep you in your place and keep that status quo. There are events that conspire to to convince you to give up. It's so hard, but you have to ignore it all and keep focused on that shining light of victory.
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on.
That is, in sum, what I told my friends then, and what I still say today. Thirty-six states outlawing same-sex marriage got you down? Need I remind you ten years ago, there were no states in which this was legal? Need I remind you of the advance of anti-discrimination laws in the last ten years, or the parents that have adopted because of the changes in laws? No, I'm not in despair of the states that still outlaw same-sex marriage. I am overjoyed that New York has joined the other five states, and I'm ready to celebrate number seven, whenever that comes. Because it will come.
Same-sex marriage may not be the be-all, end-all of equal rights for the LGBT community, but it's another step. Things like this take time, no matter what it is. So rejoice in this step, and then take another. And then another. And when that fight is done, move to the next one, until we are all equal in the eyes of the government, and, more importantly, in the eyes of each other.
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