Checking out links on Facebook today led me to this story about the "The Marriage Vow" and the willingness of Republican Presidential candidates to sign it. Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum have already signed on, and others may be on the way shortly. If you'd like to take a look, read below.
The Marriage Vow
My quick summery after a read-through: the candidate pledges to "protect" marriage through various actions and legislation if elected to office. As I am generally a liberal fellow, you are probably not surprised in my lack of support for this document.
In wandering though the experience of reading this, I was struck by two things. First, the liberal reaction is mostly vitriol. Is the left really surprised by this? Here we see on paper exactly what a number of candidates have been talking about throughout their campaigns. The reaction to this on the right, I presume, is one of affirmation. These are, after all, Republican candidates looking for ways to distinguish themselves in a race full of a lot of look-a-likes. Telling their base in no uncertain terms exactly what they want to hear when it comes to social issues, so, no, I am not surprised by the news of the Vow, or that candidates are signing it, because that's what the Republican base wants.
And that leads me to my second thought, which I find much more important. If we describe ourselves as progressive, how are we to have a conversation with those that oppose us by starting the conversation with insults and belittling. I see progressives so quick to claim the high ground on so many issues with a reinvention of moral superiority the marginalized have sought so long to eliminate. Doesn't it seem the least bit hypocritical and pretentious to tell other people they need to stop bullying and name calling and finish by calling them stupid for not getting it?
Oh, I'm could talk about the problems I have with this vow and those candidates that support it, and I could for quite some time, but that's beyond the point. We can disagree with each other on how we view the world and how we implement policy. But if we truly believe that our vision for the country is better than some other vision, we cannot start down that road by stepping backwards into pettiness and thuggery. After all, that's what it is to call someone stupid.
I was reminded in class this week that, despite a many and varied differences, we are all human. It is important to remember that we all deserve compassion. We come from different social locations, political systems, and spiritual beliefs, but we must remember that we must be compassionate for every human, not matter how badly we disagree with them. Everyone had their bias on how they view the world, but if we add compassion to that bias, we can start a conversation about moving forward without moving backward.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Thoughts on New York
This beginning of this story is written elsewhere on this blog, but here's the quick summary: just over eleven years ago, I sat in my government class as a senior in high school fighting back tears as I explained why I was so upset a ban of gay marriage had passed in California. It was such a moment of despair for me, and I felt so alone in that classroom, as if every one of my classmates were against me.
I have to remind myself constantly these days that laws like this were passed even though same-sex marriage was already unavailable. Maryland passed the first law banning same-sex marriage in 1973, but by 1990, 40 of the 50 states had a law against it. And, of course, in 1996, President Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act outlawing federal recognition of same-sex marriage. Then Hawaii courts declared a law prohibiting same-sex marriage to be unconstitutional according to the state constitution. The reaction came quickly in Hawaii and then spread around the country: amend the state constitution to get around the possible unconstitutionality of these laws. Amendments like these have spread like wildfire, a wave sweeping the nation. Every time a measure like this had come for a vote in front of the people, it has passed.
In 2000, there was no state in which same-sex marriage was legal. In only Vermont was there even a place in which the same rights as marriage were given same-sex couples through the invention of civil unions.
And yet, there was hope. Well, at least to me, there was hope. While other nations were starting to make headway towards legalized same-sex marriage, Vermont was really that clue for me, that kernel of hope that something could come along. To borrow from my friend, Howie, that was the whisper that started the wave.
In 2004, the city of San Francisco started issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Other cities followed suit, and though those marriages were all eventually nullified, the voices were growing. Just a few months later, Massachusetts became the first state to legalize same-sex marriage.
With last weeks amazing effort by the government of New York, there are now six states in which same-sex marriage is legal. Another eight states allow rights equal to marriage to same-sex couples. Do the math, that's thirty six states in which same-sex marriage is not legal. With the passing of Proposition 8 in 2008, California is one of those states in which marriage is not legal (though it was for a time) even though civil unions with equal rights exist. I had friends that day that found the despair I had felt in my classroom so many years ago, and couldn't see how the future contained a place in which same-sex marriage existed.
Some might look at 36 states in which there are no equal rights, or question why eight states can't bring themselves to call a horse a horse and jump to legalized same-sex marriage. But I realized so many years ago, after my experience in high school and again in college as a freshman in Nebraska, that there are outcomes that come against you. There are people who want to keep you in your place and keep that status quo. There are events that conspire to to convince you to give up. It's so hard, but you have to ignore it all and keep focused on that shining light of victory.
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on.
That is, in sum, what I told my friends then, and what I still say today. Thirty-six states outlawing same-sex marriage got you down? Need I remind you ten years ago, there were no states in which this was legal? Need I remind you of the advance of anti-discrimination laws in the last ten years, or the parents that have adopted because of the changes in laws? No, I'm not in despair of the states that still outlaw same-sex marriage. I am overjoyed that New York has joined the other five states, and I'm ready to celebrate number seven, whenever that comes. Because it will come.
Same-sex marriage may not be the be-all, end-all of equal rights for the LGBT community, but it's another step. Things like this take time, no matter what it is. So rejoice in this step, and then take another. And then another. And when that fight is done, move to the next one, until we are all equal in the eyes of the government, and, more importantly, in the eyes of each other.
I have to remind myself constantly these days that laws like this were passed even though same-sex marriage was already unavailable. Maryland passed the first law banning same-sex marriage in 1973, but by 1990, 40 of the 50 states had a law against it. And, of course, in 1996, President Clinton signed the Defense of Marriage Act outlawing federal recognition of same-sex marriage. Then Hawaii courts declared a law prohibiting same-sex marriage to be unconstitutional according to the state constitution. The reaction came quickly in Hawaii and then spread around the country: amend the state constitution to get around the possible unconstitutionality of these laws. Amendments like these have spread like wildfire, a wave sweeping the nation. Every time a measure like this had come for a vote in front of the people, it has passed.
In 2000, there was no state in which same-sex marriage was legal. In only Vermont was there even a place in which the same rights as marriage were given same-sex couples through the invention of civil unions.
And yet, there was hope. Well, at least to me, there was hope. While other nations were starting to make headway towards legalized same-sex marriage, Vermont was really that clue for me, that kernel of hope that something could come along. To borrow from my friend, Howie, that was the whisper that started the wave.
In 2004, the city of San Francisco started issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples. Other cities followed suit, and though those marriages were all eventually nullified, the voices were growing. Just a few months later, Massachusetts became the first state to legalize same-sex marriage.
With last weeks amazing effort by the government of New York, there are now six states in which same-sex marriage is legal. Another eight states allow rights equal to marriage to same-sex couples. Do the math, that's thirty six states in which same-sex marriage is not legal. With the passing of Proposition 8 in 2008, California is one of those states in which marriage is not legal (though it was for a time) even though civil unions with equal rights exist. I had friends that day that found the despair I had felt in my classroom so many years ago, and couldn't see how the future contained a place in which same-sex marriage existed.
Some might look at 36 states in which there are no equal rights, or question why eight states can't bring themselves to call a horse a horse and jump to legalized same-sex marriage. But I realized so many years ago, after my experience in high school and again in college as a freshman in Nebraska, that there are outcomes that come against you. There are people who want to keep you in your place and keep that status quo. There are events that conspire to to convince you to give up. It's so hard, but you have to ignore it all and keep focused on that shining light of victory.
Keep your eyes on the prize, hold on.
That is, in sum, what I told my friends then, and what I still say today. Thirty-six states outlawing same-sex marriage got you down? Need I remind you ten years ago, there were no states in which this was legal? Need I remind you of the advance of anti-discrimination laws in the last ten years, or the parents that have adopted because of the changes in laws? No, I'm not in despair of the states that still outlaw same-sex marriage. I am overjoyed that New York has joined the other five states, and I'm ready to celebrate number seven, whenever that comes. Because it will come.
Same-sex marriage may not be the be-all, end-all of equal rights for the LGBT community, but it's another step. Things like this take time, no matter what it is. So rejoice in this step, and then take another. And then another. And when that fight is done, move to the next one, until we are all equal in the eyes of the government, and, more importantly, in the eyes of each other.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Have you been following this story?
A college football player, returning to campus following the death of a friend, was pulled off a US Airways flight last week for not complying with the orders of flight attendants and the captain of the plane to pull up his pants that were sagging low enough to expose his underwear. When I first read it, I thought it was a little bit of a strange story. Are we really making big deals about what people are wearing on airplanes, in San Francisco no less? I understand folks get nervous about security on flights these days, but doesn't it seem a little over the top?
Almost immediately there was a question on the motive of his removal from the flight. Were they attempting to remove him from the flight because they thought he was dressed inappropriately? Were they attempting to remove him from the flight because they thought he was a security risk based on his reaction? Or were they attempting to remove him from the flight because they stereotyped him in the first place, letting his appearance tell a story that didn't match to what was going on.
But then the story deepens with a video posting of the interaction on the plane. From the video, it's pretty clear that he is not doing anything that warrants concern beyond wanting to just get home. According to the witnesses he had already complied with the request of the airline employees, albeit delayed from the timing desired by the airline. So the police arrested him for, among other things, refusing to comply with the orders of the captain and resisting arrest. Given the video, it seems a little odd. I'm having trouble understanding why it had to get taken to the level it was. Unless, of course, you consider that racial stereotypes played a role in the matter.
And then we arrive at today, where there is a report that a man exposing more of his body (in only women's undergarments, as the picture shows) travelling on a plane, where the airline employees ignored the complaints of the customers. From the story: "A white man is allowed to fly in underwear without question, but my client was asked to pull up his pajama pants because they hung below his waist."
The airline can hide behind the company line of "he should have followed the directions of the flight crew." I think there's a certain amount of that in this, but that's not the whole truth. Not by any stretch of the imagination. While the racial motive question was brought up quickly, the evidence is building more and more and more.
This is how trust is broken. This is how peace falls apart. This is how everything that has been gain disappears in just an instance. We can say this is an isolated incident, or that we wouldn't do the same in a similar situation, or that we shouldn't let one (or a few) bad apples ruin it for the rest of us. But none of that does justice to Deshon Marman, or his family, or his friend that passed so tragically a month ago. How easily could this have turned into another situation like the tragedy in the loss of Oscar Grant, a story once again rehashed in the news even as this incident on the plane was happening?
It is incumbent upon all of us to ensure these things don't happen. It is incumbent upon all of us to stand up and say when we see injustice. It is incumbent upon all of us to recognize that this situation could happen in front of us any day, at any time, and speak the truth in those situations. Without everyone recognizing as an individual the role we each play in creating justice in the world, there is still work to do.
Almost immediately there was a question on the motive of his removal from the flight. Were they attempting to remove him from the flight because they thought he was dressed inappropriately? Were they attempting to remove him from the flight because they thought he was a security risk based on his reaction? Or were they attempting to remove him from the flight because they stereotyped him in the first place, letting his appearance tell a story that didn't match to what was going on.
But then the story deepens with a video posting of the interaction on the plane. From the video, it's pretty clear that he is not doing anything that warrants concern beyond wanting to just get home. According to the witnesses he had already complied with the request of the airline employees, albeit delayed from the timing desired by the airline. So the police arrested him for, among other things, refusing to comply with the orders of the captain and resisting arrest. Given the video, it seems a little odd. I'm having trouble understanding why it had to get taken to the level it was. Unless, of course, you consider that racial stereotypes played a role in the matter.
And then we arrive at today, where there is a report that a man exposing more of his body (in only women's undergarments, as the picture shows) travelling on a plane, where the airline employees ignored the complaints of the customers. From the story: "A white man is allowed to fly in underwear without question, but my client was asked to pull up his pajama pants because they hung below his waist."
The airline can hide behind the company line of "he should have followed the directions of the flight crew." I think there's a certain amount of that in this, but that's not the whole truth. Not by any stretch of the imagination. While the racial motive question was brought up quickly, the evidence is building more and more and more.
This is how trust is broken. This is how peace falls apart. This is how everything that has been gain disappears in just an instance. We can say this is an isolated incident, or that we wouldn't do the same in a similar situation, or that we shouldn't let one (or a few) bad apples ruin it for the rest of us. But none of that does justice to Deshon Marman, or his family, or his friend that passed so tragically a month ago. How easily could this have turned into another situation like the tragedy in the loss of Oscar Grant, a story once again rehashed in the news even as this incident on the plane was happening?
It is incumbent upon all of us to ensure these things don't happen. It is incumbent upon all of us to stand up and say when we see injustice. It is incumbent upon all of us to recognize that this situation could happen in front of us any day, at any time, and speak the truth in those situations. Without everyone recognizing as an individual the role we each play in creating justice in the world, there is still work to do.
Friday, June 10, 2011
In Your Eyes
Peter Gabriel is in town tonight. I don't have the $50 for the cheapest ticket for myself. Clearly, we do not have $100 so both Kelse and I could both go. And then she's working tonight anyway.
It's an outdoor concert over on Cal campus, less than a mile from here. In fact, a few hours ago I heard them warming up. Yes, we can here it all the way over here. I thought about walking over to campus and finding a place to sit and just listen.
But then, I thought, how could I enjoy hearing this without Kelse?
"In Your Eyes" is, of course, our song. This version was the one we danced our first dance to at our wedding. It was magical to spend over ten minutes dancing, and inviting others to dance with us, until the entire crowd was sharing the joy of the experience. This song never fails to make me smile whenever I hear it. Ultimate mood lifter.
But I don't think hearing it live tonight while she is working would make me smile. It'd be incomplete. So I'm staying home tonight. We'll get to see him someday, for sure. And we'll dance, again, with everyone else.
It's an outdoor concert over on Cal campus, less than a mile from here. In fact, a few hours ago I heard them warming up. Yes, we can here it all the way over here. I thought about walking over to campus and finding a place to sit and just listen.
But then, I thought, how could I enjoy hearing this without Kelse?
"In Your Eyes" is, of course, our song. This version was the one we danced our first dance to at our wedding. It was magical to spend over ten minutes dancing, and inviting others to dance with us, until the entire crowd was sharing the joy of the experience. This song never fails to make me smile whenever I hear it. Ultimate mood lifter.
But I don't think hearing it live tonight while she is working would make me smile. It'd be incomplete. So I'm staying home tonight. We'll get to see him someday, for sure. And we'll dance, again, with everyone else.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
A moment of reflection
After an intense month of school work, I've been taking some time to reflect on the last year on my life. Yes, I just finished my first year of seminary last week. A year ago, I was unaware I was mere days from abruptly quitting my job as an assistant manager at Walmart. Quite a difference, eh?
When I sent in my application to seminary last July, I didn't know where I wanted to go with it, but I understood that I didn't feel like I could be the minister in front of the congregation. Today, I am excited to have a field education placement in a wonderful church where I can learn about doing exactly that. I am looking forward to creating my own worship experiences to share with other people.
When I moved into our studio apartment in Berkeley, I felt overwhelmed by the lack of experience I might have relating to church. Today, I still feel that lack of experience, but I see it as an asset. It's easier to look towards something different in the future if I'm not rooted in traditions of the past.
Traditions are good. Traditions allow us to relate to each other and to our pasts in ways that we couldn't find in other avenues. There is ceremony and ritual in tradition that can still great feelings within us of comfort and familiarity. Breaking tradition can be intensely scary, especially if we've followed those traditions our entire lives. If we're not careful, people are left behind when we change a tradition, let alone eliminate one.
Nebraska is built on tradition. I have never been a part of traditions more than the time I spent in college at Doane. It in the DNA of the state, and shows itself to the world through the football team. I remember when they changed the uniforms while I was in college by adding a white stripe under the arms. I don't think I met a single person that supported it because it wasn't what we were used to, and neither was the losing we were experiencing that year. That season was the first time in my life that the team did not win nine games. I even called a radio show once to blame the struggles of the team that year on the stripe. We couldn't handle the losing that we were so privileged to avoid for so many years, and it was easy to blame it on the break of tradition.
But what if the traditions don't work? I left church for over a decade because the traditions of the church didn't speak to me in any way. Even now, as I continue my journey though seminary, I haven't found a church that really, truly speaks to how I want to worship. New Spirit Community Church is doing it a lot better than any other churches I've been to recently, but it still doesn't fully feed me how I want it to.
I attended the Annual Gathering of the Northern California-Nevada Conference of the United Church of Christ. I walked away inspired in many different ways, but I think I am most fired up about the future. I didn't realize this when I got here, but we can change everything about how we think of worship in progressive Christianity, and we can start today.
Why not? Why can't we? What is standing in our way? We are only limited by our lack of imagination. There are churches out there that fill stadiums. There are churches out there that feed the lives of youth and young adults in massive numbers. I went to a church once in Denver that was a converted grocery store, and the sanctuary was full of young people (with plenty of older people as well). We may disagree with how other churches do theology, but that doesn't mean they are doing something we can't.
One of the important lessons I learned from my training at Walmart was how we examine the competition. We can spend all day ripping them apart for all the things they are doing wrong, and we can revel in all the things we are doing better than them, but if we don't look intently for the things they are doing better than us that we can learn from, pretty soon they'll be passing us by.
So I'm ready. I'm fired up. I'm getting started now. I want worship for me, and for people in my generation. I haven't seen it yet, but I know many things that it is not. I'm ready to start with a clean slate, try any ideas people can think of, and learn from whoever comes across my path. I want to hear from all facets of society to see what works for young people. There are plenty of questions involving church functions, but I want to know about the secular world, too. Why do we, as young people, flock to concerts? Why are we, as young people, so passionate about sporting events, especially when they involve the colleges we go to? Why did we, as young people, take Barack Obama from a politician and turn him into a rock star and help him become President?
This is the tip of the iceberg. I don't know the answers to these questions and countless others, but I'm going to start asking. I don't know where this journey is taking me, but I'm ready to receive it with arms wide open. I don't know how this is going to work, but I know that it will work. I have faith in that. After all, when I quit my job a year ago, I didn't know how anything was going to work in my life anymore because I couldn't see the future. But faith put me through it, with a healthy amount of support for my journey from my wife, my family, and my friends. I'm the ever the optimist, and I have faith that this, whatever this is and wherever this goes, will work.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Really? That's what you're going to go with?
We had a conversation in the car yesterday that wandered around into a bunch of different areas, and it was interesting to hear different viewpoints and questions to consider. We dove into politics and race at one point, and I offered my distaste of current politicians equating some politician of the day to Hitler (first President Bush, then President Obama, among others). It's ridiculous. The atrocities of Hitler are so far beyond what we can conceive as evil. Here we are, 65 years removed from World War II, and I still don't think we have a proper perspective on it.
So I was already primed a little when I read this news story today, in which Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann compared our current tax situation to the Holocaust. Yes, because how much we are taxing and spending is the same thing as millions of people dying at the hands of a ruthless dictator. She denies equating the two things, but then says, "...we are seeing eclipsed in front of our eyes a similar death and a similar taking away. It is this disenfranchisement that I think we have to answer to."
I don't mind that people think differently than I do on government taxation and expenditures. I understand that the rich pay more than their fair share of taxes versus the poor (or me). I understand that some people would rather a more equitable rate, but I just don't see that as sustainable. So I'm in favor of raising taxes on very high levels of income a little, and on gigantic corporations a lot.
But I don't need to disparage history to say that. As quoted in the article, she says, "The question comes down to this: what will you say to that next generation about what you did to make sure that wouldn't be their fate?" Her answer, would clearly be, "I co-opted the suffering of millions in an attempt to use fear and guilt in order to convince more people to vote for me and my ideas, regardless of whether or not they actually benefited from those ideas."
I have conservative friends. I have friends that support Rep. Bachmann. I apply a direct appeal to you: please don't support her with donations, and please don't vote for her. I'm not asking you to change you beliefs to match mine, though I'd be happy to discuss that with you if you want to. Instead, I ask you to find another candidate that represents your ideas just as well without resorting to shameful comparisons that disrespect the memory of so many people that died for no reason but hate, and those that fought, knowing or unknowingly for their freedom and liberation, as well as ours. Find a candidate that might represent the optimism of our country's founding without misrepresenting, misusing, or just straight up getting blatantly wrong the history of our country and the world in order to score political points.
In this moment, here and now, let's join together to say, "No! We won't let you do that to us."
So I was already primed a little when I read this news story today, in which Minnesota Rep. Michele Bachmann compared our current tax situation to the Holocaust. Yes, because how much we are taxing and spending is the same thing as millions of people dying at the hands of a ruthless dictator. She denies equating the two things, but then says, "...we are seeing eclipsed in front of our eyes a similar death and a similar taking away. It is this disenfranchisement that I think we have to answer to."
I don't mind that people think differently than I do on government taxation and expenditures. I understand that the rich pay more than their fair share of taxes versus the poor (or me). I understand that some people would rather a more equitable rate, but I just don't see that as sustainable. So I'm in favor of raising taxes on very high levels of income a little, and on gigantic corporations a lot.
But I don't need to disparage history to say that. As quoted in the article, she says, "The question comes down to this: what will you say to that next generation about what you did to make sure that wouldn't be their fate?" Her answer, would clearly be, "I co-opted the suffering of millions in an attempt to use fear and guilt in order to convince more people to vote for me and my ideas, regardless of whether or not they actually benefited from those ideas."
I have conservative friends. I have friends that support Rep. Bachmann. I apply a direct appeal to you: please don't support her with donations, and please don't vote for her. I'm not asking you to change you beliefs to match mine, though I'd be happy to discuss that with you if you want to. Instead, I ask you to find another candidate that represents your ideas just as well without resorting to shameful comparisons that disrespect the memory of so many people that died for no reason but hate, and those that fought, knowing or unknowingly for their freedom and liberation, as well as ours. Find a candidate that might represent the optimism of our country's founding without misrepresenting, misusing, or just straight up getting blatantly wrong the history of our country and the world in order to score political points.
In this moment, here and now, let's join together to say, "No! We won't let you do that to us."
Friday, April 15, 2011
Mixed Up
It's amazing how some days can be filled with gratitude for abundance and at the same time with distress for lack.
Today is one of those days. I am sitting in a place of abundance from opportunities for field ed next year. I am amazed at the possibilities, and grateful for the choice I have to make, though I am close to certain what choice I will make. I feel like I'm moving forward in seminary quite well, and I feel better about my future than I have in quite a while.
On the other hand, Kelse lost one of her jobs today, one that was giving her more hours than the other. We have money to last us a little while, but not into the summer. So she resumes her job search, again.
Back when we had our conversations about me leaving work to come to seminary, we talked about a lot of things. I let her know me feelings about my job, and how it was affecting me, my health, my life, and my relationships. We talked about ideas for the future, about what it might mean for us to do this, and what sacrifices we would have to make. When I made the decision to leave Walmart for my own mental health, I did it through consulting her first.
In the end, we decided that this was the right thing for me to do. As she was only a few classes into her educational opportunities, we decided to put her education on hold as I dove into mine full time, in order to be done as quickly as possible so she could start hers again. We decided that she would become the breadwinner of the family, also to help me focus on what I was doing in school.
So far, we have worked things out. But I am constantly in a struggle with myself over taking a job somewhere to help out. On the one hand, we need money to pay bills, and if there's not enough money, then we have a big problem. On the other hand, at some times I'm having quite a difficulty juggling classes, meetings, church, and homework. Homework is especially hard for me sometimes because I can't sit and do a lot of work at once like I used to: I lose focus after a while, or I lose my ability to comprehend what I'm doing, or I lose my ability to think in coherent sentences when writing. So I am intentional about breaking up my homework with other non-work related activities in order get the most out of what I'm trying to accomplish.
Some weeks, I feel like I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want (like this week), and some weeks I feel like I haven't got a free moment to spare (like last week).
I think about this often, and I would say it's the biggest source of stress in my life currently. Shouldn't I be doing more to make this work out? But then there are days that Kelse reminds me what our decision was, and that we both play a roll in this. I am not the person responsible for the majority of the income and paying the bills like I was a year ago. In this time, in this place, my role is that of student. Of course, if I can find some things on the side that pay money every now and then (as I have been occasionally) that don't run into my schedule, then I'll take it to help out. I have also begun my search in earnest for a job for the summer. Next school year, I'll have a stipend from my field ed, and that will help too. I've also decided to at least give it a try next year for some work study, and if I can tell it isn't going to work out, then it won't work out and I'll stop.
In the meantime, I'll do what I can. Incidentally, if anyone needs help moving, at the end of the semester or otherwise, I have lots of experience, and I'm willing to work for what I would say is a pretty good deal. Let me know!
Today is one of those days. I am sitting in a place of abundance from opportunities for field ed next year. I am amazed at the possibilities, and grateful for the choice I have to make, though I am close to certain what choice I will make. I feel like I'm moving forward in seminary quite well, and I feel better about my future than I have in quite a while.
On the other hand, Kelse lost one of her jobs today, one that was giving her more hours than the other. We have money to last us a little while, but not into the summer. So she resumes her job search, again.
Back when we had our conversations about me leaving work to come to seminary, we talked about a lot of things. I let her know me feelings about my job, and how it was affecting me, my health, my life, and my relationships. We talked about ideas for the future, about what it might mean for us to do this, and what sacrifices we would have to make. When I made the decision to leave Walmart for my own mental health, I did it through consulting her first.
In the end, we decided that this was the right thing for me to do. As she was only a few classes into her educational opportunities, we decided to put her education on hold as I dove into mine full time, in order to be done as quickly as possible so she could start hers again. We decided that she would become the breadwinner of the family, also to help me focus on what I was doing in school.
So far, we have worked things out. But I am constantly in a struggle with myself over taking a job somewhere to help out. On the one hand, we need money to pay bills, and if there's not enough money, then we have a big problem. On the other hand, at some times I'm having quite a difficulty juggling classes, meetings, church, and homework. Homework is especially hard for me sometimes because I can't sit and do a lot of work at once like I used to: I lose focus after a while, or I lose my ability to comprehend what I'm doing, or I lose my ability to think in coherent sentences when writing. So I am intentional about breaking up my homework with other non-work related activities in order get the most out of what I'm trying to accomplish.
Some weeks, I feel like I have all the time in the world to do whatever I want (like this week), and some weeks I feel like I haven't got a free moment to spare (like last week).
I think about this often, and I would say it's the biggest source of stress in my life currently. Shouldn't I be doing more to make this work out? But then there are days that Kelse reminds me what our decision was, and that we both play a roll in this. I am not the person responsible for the majority of the income and paying the bills like I was a year ago. In this time, in this place, my role is that of student. Of course, if I can find some things on the side that pay money every now and then (as I have been occasionally) that don't run into my schedule, then I'll take it to help out. I have also begun my search in earnest for a job for the summer. Next school year, I'll have a stipend from my field ed, and that will help too. I've also decided to at least give it a try next year for some work study, and if I can tell it isn't going to work out, then it won't work out and I'll stop.
In the meantime, I'll do what I can. Incidentally, if anyone needs help moving, at the end of the semester or otherwise, I have lots of experience, and I'm willing to work for what I would say is a pretty good deal. Let me know!
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